life and death and the groceries in between

You ever read a quote that just gets to you?  I like it when it's a good 'get to you'- like this one:

"Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway." -Earl Nightingale

Oooooooh burn.  Given the title of my blog.  ;)  But then there are the times that a quote gets to you in a bad way.

"Life asked death 'why do people love me but hate you'?  Death replied 'because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth'."

Well, no.  Life and death are both realities.  Life is what we are currently experiencing.  Death is something we will all experience once at some point in the future.  It's gonna happen.  But the fact that it is going to happen does not, in any way, negate the reality of life.  The question is: what are we meant to do between now and the end?

*tiny fit of exhaustion from overworking of brain*

There are times when I feel motivated by my imminent demise.  I want to write this thing before I go!  I'm gonna do it!  Yeah!  Then there are all the other times...the times when I'm playing with my children (who are still quite small), or the times when I'm involved with helping others.  Add the times that I see other people spending all (ALL) their time helping others and I can feel my ambition deflate.  What does it matter?  It's not as though the world needs my vampire comedy.  It's not as though I need success/fortune.  I am already so incredibly blessed.  Is it merely vanity?

But there is a very practical aspect to wanting to be successful.  I really, really want to help people.  Like...really.  I spent my childhood being the family that needed help.  We are doing better now, but 'better' to me just means that we can afford our own bills.  But if anything major were to go wrong?  It wouldn't be pretty.  I'm tired of being the family that might need help.  I want to be the family that helps.

I was in line at WalMart the other day and this woman was ahead of me checking out.  She was obviously a mother (she didn't have kids with her, but she looked exhausted and she had a huge purse and untamed hair)- and she was paying with gift cards.  She ran out of cards before she ran out of groceries, so she had to make decisions.  So, while listening to the cashier disrespect her and the folks in line sighing, she removed all the produce from the conveyor.  She only needed $29.  She was tearing up when she walked away.  I cried the whole drive home.  $29.  I want to be the person in line who is able to hand her the $29 so her kids have healthy food.

Maybe if I can remember the look of defeat on her face as she walked away I can manage to write mah book.  Now this, of course, only works if I really believe that my book will one day equal money.  Which I don't.  Because confidence feels like egotism to me.  But we'll talk about that later.  ;)  Now I have to go.  Jack Jack just handed me a bubble wand and did his butt-wiggling "pweeeeeeeeese?"

Roll for initiative,
J. Wahl

Sneaky Satan

Well, when you put it like that!  Okay.  I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with having creative ambitions.  If someone presented this idea to me accusatorily (I'm aware that's not a real word) I would be incredibly offended and probably laugh in their face/write a novella of reasons why they are wrong.  But I fear one of my biggest personal logical fouls is that I'm kind of saying this to myself.

I don't think it would be as bad if I wasn't a mother.  Motherhood is a wonderful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything.  But it is also a special hell of unending chores and snotty noses (not to mention diapers that surely hold the contents of the bog of eternal stench).  It is the unending nature of motherhood- particularly stay-at-home-motherhood- that gets to me.  I tell myself that even the most joyous of tasks would grind your brain to dust if you did it all day every day, but still...I fell guilty.  Guilty for wanting to accomplish more.  And wondering why I feel this need to create.  When the kids are asleep for the night and the house is clean (this doesn't happen with a huge amount of frequency) I head to bed feeling that I've done a good job, but by the time I lay my head down there is always a nasty little voice whispering: "Okay, but you didn't write anything today."

I mean, really- piss off little voice of guilt.  I worked hard!  What do you want?  I'm not getting up to write.  I have to do that all again tomorrow!  I need mah sleeps!

And the result of this routine for the last four and half years is that I'm starting to hate my creative self.  Wouldn't this be easier if you just went away, voice of creativity?  Don't you know the tasks God has given me with these handsome boys?  I sent Jack to school today in a black shirt that said: 'eligible bachelor' paired with a silky pinstriped vest.  He took it off in the parking lot and swung it around Magic Mike style.  CLASSIC.  Anyway- there are millions of Moms out there who go to bed feeling they are doing a good job because they cook and clean and supervise all day.  That's enough for them.  But I have this whole other (incredibly time consuming) need to create.  Does anyone know of a magic pill or cream that will get rid of this need to create?  Because I feel that would greatly simplify my life.  Design-Be-Gone: rub on affected area every night for eradication of all creative thoughts.  Yes.  That's what I need.

But it's not Satan distracting me.  God assembled all my parts and that includes my brain- which includes all my artist self.  *sigh*  This is the real reason that I can't walk away from this project.  It'd be so much easier (in a lot of practical ways) if I could just mother without this extra stuff hanging around.  But I need to stop pretending to be someone I'm not.  So here is a confession:

I intend to pursue my dreams and goals and make dinner.  It might not be as elaborate, as tasty, or as memorable, but the children will have supper.  I intend to pursue my dreams and goals and clean the house.  There may (will) be toys under the sofa and dishes in the sink, but the place will be livable.  The children will learn that there is more to mommy than cleaning and cooking.  My boys will learn to expect that from their future spouses and this baby I'm growing (which is a girl!) will learn that it's okay to pursue the things God has put in your heart to do.  I may have to work my tookus off, but it's worth it.

There.  I talked myself out of my illogical behavior.  Now if only I could remember this....

Roll for initiative,
J. Wahl




  

Right Now

We all have a ‘right now’.  There are people on cloud nine; they’re happy, at peace, they have good days.  And there are others who are cursing up at that cloud from rock bottom.  But most of us are somewhere in between.  And the cloud in question represents different things to different people.  For me, that cloud is success at any creative endeavor.  This may or may not be healthy.  I’m not at all sure.  But my ‘right now’ is being a fairly talented person who is incapable of finishing anything.  It’s too big, and too scary.  Finishing a project has been such a long time coming that I would now have to redefine myself to clinch a victory.

“Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it’s your choice.” –Wayne Dyer

I’m really tired of this.  So here I am in my ‘right now’- a creative pessimistic procrastinator.  I’m full of doubts and plagued by guilt monkeys.  I've spent far too long declaring what I’m going to do and then letting my fears get the better of me.  I've started so many brilliant projects.  I've finished precious few.  There are half-completed paintings, barely-started poems, a notebook full of dress designs, even a sketch for a board game that is a zombie invasion of a Walmart supercenter.  But the towering glory of this pile of projects is my novel.  Half done.  HALF DONE.  A novel.  How can a person have such a clear vision for a work and have put in countless hours plotting and stewing and countless more writing only to stall half way through?  I've committed a year to this thing.  I am at a crossroads.  Continue or abandon?  Learn to finish or settle for my status quo? 

Meh.

That’s how motivated I feel right now.  Meh.  So in lieu of stating what I intend to do, which seems to be part of my own system of procrastination, I’m just going to admit right now: I have no freaking clue whether or not I’ll be able to finish this book.  Even though I have a plot mapped out to the smallest detail, and even though I have blocks of time scheduled for working on it.  No idea.  It’s a toss up. 

“A ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” –No one is sure who said it first

The one thing I will declare is that I am, at least, a ship.  Not a dinghy or a life raft.  A blasted ship.  I have too many ideas and promising starts to be anything but.  If I could just act like a ship- a real one- that has everything it needs to traverse oceans of uncertainty and storms of self-loathing.  I've told myself I’m a lifeboat for far too long (not even a lifeboat- more like a canoe with only one paddle that's shot full of holes).  It’s gotten me nowhere.  I think I'm ready to aim for a different 'right now'.  

Like this ship.  This ship means business.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Marianne Williamson

So there it is.  No clue what’s going to happen.  Admitting to my own potential.  If there is any chance you have a similar position in relation to that darn cloud, read along.  Fail or succeed, something will be learned.  

Roll for initiative,
J. Wahl

p.s.

Dear trolls:

This is a stream of consciousness blog.  I do not have time to finish my book and agonize over every line of these posts.  I have two kids and I'm pregnant.  I just don't have time to stress over grammar and sentence structure.  Just want to get that out there so that when I inevitably make a mistake or glaringly obvious typo we can all shake off the irony of a writer without any apparent skill at grammar.  Kthnxbai.