Sneaky Satan

Well, when you put it like that!  Okay.  I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with having creative ambitions.  If someone presented this idea to me accusatorily (I'm aware that's not a real word) I would be incredibly offended and probably laugh in their face/write a novella of reasons why they are wrong.  But I fear one of my biggest personal logical fouls is that I'm kind of saying this to myself.

I don't think it would be as bad if I wasn't a mother.  Motherhood is a wonderful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything.  But it is also a special hell of unending chores and snotty noses (not to mention diapers that surely hold the contents of the bog of eternal stench).  It is the unending nature of motherhood- particularly stay-at-home-motherhood- that gets to me.  I tell myself that even the most joyous of tasks would grind your brain to dust if you did it all day every day, but still...I fell guilty.  Guilty for wanting to accomplish more.  And wondering why I feel this need to create.  When the kids are asleep for the night and the house is clean (this doesn't happen with a huge amount of frequency) I head to bed feeling that I've done a good job, but by the time I lay my head down there is always a nasty little voice whispering: "Okay, but you didn't write anything today."

I mean, really- piss off little voice of guilt.  I worked hard!  What do you want?  I'm not getting up to write.  I have to do that all again tomorrow!  I need mah sleeps!

And the result of this routine for the last four and half years is that I'm starting to hate my creative self.  Wouldn't this be easier if you just went away, voice of creativity?  Don't you know the tasks God has given me with these handsome boys?  I sent Jack to school today in a black shirt that said: 'eligible bachelor' paired with a silky pinstriped vest.  He took it off in the parking lot and swung it around Magic Mike style.  CLASSIC.  Anyway- there are millions of Moms out there who go to bed feeling they are doing a good job because they cook and clean and supervise all day.  That's enough for them.  But I have this whole other (incredibly time consuming) need to create.  Does anyone know of a magic pill or cream that will get rid of this need to create?  Because I feel that would greatly simplify my life.  Design-Be-Gone: rub on affected area every night for eradication of all creative thoughts.  Yes.  That's what I need.

But it's not Satan distracting me.  God assembled all my parts and that includes my brain- which includes all my artist self.  *sigh*  This is the real reason that I can't walk away from this project.  It'd be so much easier (in a lot of practical ways) if I could just mother without this extra stuff hanging around.  But I need to stop pretending to be someone I'm not.  So here is a confession:

I intend to pursue my dreams and goals and make dinner.  It might not be as elaborate, as tasty, or as memorable, but the children will have supper.  I intend to pursue my dreams and goals and clean the house.  There may (will) be toys under the sofa and dishes in the sink, but the place will be livable.  The children will learn that there is more to mommy than cleaning and cooking.  My boys will learn to expect that from their future spouses and this baby I'm growing (which is a girl!) will learn that it's okay to pursue the things God has put in your heart to do.  I may have to work my tookus off, but it's worth it.

There.  I talked myself out of my illogical behavior.  Now if only I could remember this....

Roll for initiative,
J. Wahl